The DaVinci Code

Hold onto your pants because this never happens!  I am a woman, and I am 26 years old.  Yes, I admitted my age.  I actually have no problem with that because I look 21 anyways.  Where was I going with this?  Oh yeah!  I, along with millions of other people, have a full QWERTY board on my phone.  It makes things so much easier and I don’t have to shorten words and use abbreviations.   My mom uses text shorthand and I feel like being as young as I am I should know what these things mean.  I don’t.  It makes me feel old.   I do know that imo is in my opinion.  And my favorite jersey boy always uses ab for about.  Other than that I’m pretty out of the loop except for the good ‘ole OMG.  I received this message and I’m having trouble figuring out what it means.  Maybe you can help.

hi bby

I recruited the help of some friends and here is what we have come up with as to what “bby” could stand for.
BBY= bubble butt yearning
BBY= brontosaurus breaking yo-yo’s
BBY= big beautiful yak
BBY= brutal boring year
Alright that’s all we’ve got, because dammit “Y” is a hard one!  And yes it’s clear that he tried to type baby and spelled it incorrectly, but I had much more fun with this.  Either way, in my book it’s still a FAIL.


Equality

From what I’ve gathered from guys I talk to, women don’t really send the first message on dating sites.  If they do, they are not out of the ordinary.  Finally someone sent me a message they received from a woman that is blogworthy!  I am really excited about this!  I would love for more people to send in messages they receive so I can post them.   This girl really knows how to get a guys attention.   Even if she’s not serious, I’m willing to bet she gets a lot of replies.

totally fuckable.

I mean, what guy would get that message and not message a girl back?  Well I guess unless maybe she was missing an eye, or her nose, or if she was 800lbs, or maybe even if she was half zombie.  Wait, if she was half zombie I’d message her back!  Anyways, I didn’t ask my friend if he did message her back or not so I’ll have to update this later with his response(*See below for update).  Until then I’m not labeling this a fail.  I like the angle she’s working. I have to be honest, I thought that maybe if a guy wrote this to me I’d have something different to write in this post, but I decided he would definitely get a message back.  Only because I’d hope he was using it just to be funny and get my attention.  The second I received any picture of his skinny wiener, he’d be a FAIL post for sure.

*I know you were all waiting patiently for his response to this message, here is what he told me.  i totally responded to that girl’s message. how could i not? haha. she then claimed she’d never sent anything like that before and didn’t know what came over her. this is, of course, exactly the right thing to say if it works. but then again, i *am* totally fuckable, so maybe its true?

In my opinion, this girl is a genius!

Sony won’t let me embed this video on here, but trust me- it’s well worth clicking and movin’ on over to YouTube for.  It’s the best video to sum up equality of men and women in my opinion.


We have a winner!

And the winner for worst message to ever send a girl on an online dating site goes to………….. This guy.  At least he was short and sweet and to the point.  Wait, I take back that sweet part.  And maybe the ‘to the point’ part because he’s actually kind of vague.

I wanna see your mouth overly fulllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll.

I’d like to think he’s maybe talking about that Chubby Bunny game.  You know, you stuff marshmallows in your mouth and keep saying chubby bunny until someone drools marshmallow goo all over themselves or chokes.  However I’m willing to bet he’s probably talking about some other gooey white stubstance.  FAIL.

I have no idea what video I could possibly tie into this so just go get Rick Roll’d!


Let’s have a toast for the douchebags…

If this is your first time coming to this page and this happens to be the first, or one of the first posts you  read, I apologize in advance.  Let me give you the low down.  Most of these posts are outrageously, piss your pants, knee slappin’, hilarious messages that I have received from guys on online dating sites ( There’s actually no statistics on the detailed humor of these posts, I think I just made all of that up).  However there is the occasional time I have to let off a little steam directed towards men. (If you want to see funny messages from creeps or weirdos, please check out the “Messages from Guys” category to the right.)

Up until recently (last night around 8pm) I have thought there were still nice guys out there.  I mean every guy has the ability to be nice and not douchey, they just seem to choose the douchey route.  I know this can go the same for girls being crazy or bitches, I’m not denying that at all.  But seeing as I’m a woman and date men, I can only complain about men right now.

I recently dated a guy who wanted to move super quickly, and told me he loved me after about two weeks.  He opened doors for me, showed up with flowers,  my family liked him.. the whole kit n caboodle.  Is that the right saying? Anyways.  I have taken on so much in my life right now that I can just not be in a relationship.  Especially with him.  Well, maybe it was just him and not my crazy life that he just made crazier.   He may have been nice, but creepily obsessive and lovestruck crossed all that out.  I’m still overly irritated just thinking about shit I had to go through with him.  It took a couple times to get it across to him we were broken up and finally I was out of what seemed to be shaping up to be a Fatal Attraction sequel.   He wanted to get back together about a month ago, and has still texted me and what-not.  I finally deleted him from Facebook© and of course I got bitched at about that.  Now come to find out that he has been dating someone!  Can someone explain to me why he would feel the need to want to get back together, be pissed off about being deleted from my social online life, and still text me?  There is really only one answer to this: DOUCHEBAG!

Am I broken up over his new relationship?  NOT.  AT.  ALL.  I am actually quite confused that there are girls out there who like the obsessive clingy types.  And I totally feel for her.  No seriously though, I wish him all the best.  Wait, no.  I would have wished him all the luck if he wasn’t a dbag.

He’s what I like to call a fake douchebag (this is a term i grabbed from my friend, so you won’t find it on urbandictionary.com, yet).  He changes for every girl he dates, loves everyone, and does everything he can to convince girls that he is the complete opposite of a douchebag.

It just goes to show that every guy is a douchebag, or has douchebag tendancies that they cannot resist to act on.

End rant.

Now I’ll go check and see what kind of wonderfully interesting or funny messages I can post.



Ladies, Ladies, Ladies

On every dating site there is that dreaded “About Me” section.  Who really wants to talk about themselves? Well if you’d like me to answer that I’d say that the majority of women love talking about themselves as well as men who have small wieners who think they’re hot shit.  That being said, it’s still hard to write about yourself in a manner that gets the essence of your personality across to other people.  Usually people do a great job even when it seems difficult because I can spot the skanks, juicehead gorillas, airheads, and guys who still live in their moms basement and play video games all day, from a mile away (well technically a few inches away because I sit kind of close to my laptop).  This particular latin lover (he categorized himself as hispanic) gave me no insight into who he is as a person, although I have some ideas.  (This is coming from his profile under the “About Me” section and not a message.)

Well Ladies this is a date site you never know what the outcome will be . Ladies please get real its a date site so all u women seeking long term IT STARTS OFF BY CASUAL DATING …. SO you don’t even know me yet you want a LONG TERM or SERIOUS relationship…LOL so ladies please do read my profile very carefully..Looking for a great friendship and possibly a passionate lover nothing more nothing less FOR NOW some to CASUALLY see slowly from time to time , looking for something ON AN ONGOING BASIS nothing serious at the MOMENT perhaps in time as we built trust and begin to have feelings for one another…so for now just a very casual friendship and much much more if the chemistry is there of course….. , I live in hammond and work nights so looking for a morning or afternoon friend for dating, movies, bowling, casinos, and much much more so if you seek the same thing then please do get back to me i’ll be waiting………..NOT LOOKING FOR JUST A HOOK UP OR A ONE NIGHT STAND or BOOTY CALL LETS GET THAT CLEAR NOTHING SERIOUS DOES NOT MEAN A HOOK UP LADIES NOR DOES IT MEAN FRIEND WTH BENEFITS….I want something ONGOING HERE just so u know
[
Oh.  You think its over? He added in one more part under what he would like for a first date..]
I do stress if you are not looking to meet then please do not waste my time and i promise not to waste yours ok thanks.

Well ladies, this is a dating site, and I don’t know about you but I really wanna casually date this guy! I CALL DIBS! I like that he clarifies he is seeking someone for dating as well as going to the movies, bowling, and much much more.  I’m pretty sure his much much more does not include a booty call though.  I’m almost positive on that one but the area is a little gray.  He wants something on going, he’s listed as wanting to date but nothing serious, and he wants to slowly see someone on a casual basis.  Ladies, if you’re interested he did send me his direct e-mail address, so please contact me and I’ll offer that one up right away.  FAIL.

I don’t know about you but there’s only one song I could think of during this entire post. SHAKE WHAT YA MAMA GAVE YA!


[Do Not] Tickle Me Elmo

Honesty is the best policy, right?  Well sure if you actually give a rats ass about who you’re talking to.  In this case I lied…a lot.  First off, the profile that this jackass contacted me through was a profile I set up just to see how many weirdos would message me.  I didn’t make it anything out of the ordinary, it has my actual picture up, but I think some of my hobbies are different as well as my profession.   This profile is what I like to call “To-catch-a-Weirdo.”  Anyways, that really has nothing to do with anything.  This guy instant messaged me on Plenty-of-Creeps and it quickly turned into a situation.  Not like Jersey Shore situation, because I wouldn’t have cared if he sent me a picture of his amazeballs abs.  I do have a problem with “men” (I use that term loosely) putting down people because of what they’re doing with their life.  I do not have a problem with making fun of grown “men” (again used loosely) for wanting to tickle.

Jerkface:  hi
me:  hi
Jerkface:  how are you
me:  aaaalright, how are you
Jerkface:  doing all right
Jerkface:  so u cant find a guy that makes u giggle?
me:  oh i have tons. but they’re all friends. =)
Jerkface:  why dont u date them
me:  cuz they’re friends.
Jerkface:  they prob dont think that
Jerkface:  so no guys you are atracted to?]
me:  yea i guess
me:  i just dont have time for anything right now- thats the biggest problem
Jerkface:  too bad, i love making girls giggle
me:  it doesnt take much with me!
me:  =)
Jerkface:  oh really?
me:  i laugh during meditation during yoga haha
Jerkface:  ticklish?
me:  im 26… i dont really get tickled…
Jerkface:  why does age matter
me:  me and my friends usually dont have tickle wars…
Jerkface:  what about boyfriends?
me:  um we usually didnt just hang out and tickle eachother…
me:  do you normally tickle girls you’re dating?
Jerkface:  yes
me:  oh.
me:  favorite past time of yours then?
Jerkface:  u hate that?
me:  hate is a strong word.  just seems… odd.
Jerkface:  why is it odd
me:  so you just like hang out with girls and tickle them?
Jerkface:  tickling is more like flirting
me:  right when you’re like 14…
Jerkface:  so u hate it?
me:  i never said that.
Jerkface:  but u dont like it
me:  i didnt say that either? i just said its odd.
Jerkface:  what makes it odd
me:  that you’re 30, and using tickling as your flirting technique..
Jerkface:  and what makes it odd?
met:  alright well i can see this conversation is going nowhere quick.
me:  carry on with your tickling.
Jerkface:  not a bit
Jerkface:  btw 26 is pretty old for a painter
me:  who said im a painter?
Jerkface:  i used to do that when i was 5
me:  im a teacher turd.
Jerkface:  your profile does
me:  oh well i didnt even make it.
Jerkface:  how are you a teacher without a degree
me:  i have a degree?
Jerkface:  read what i wrote
me:  um great. but i have a degree.
Jerkface:  from where
me:  why are you getting all bitter and rude just because i dont want to talk about tickling?
me:  columbia
Jerkface:  columbia has teaching degrees?
me:  they have a bachelor in early childhood education, in which i minored in fine arts.
me:  which would make me… can you guess???
me:  an art teacher!!!
Jerkface:  shouldnt u be teaching now?
me:  should be yes.
Jerkface:  uh huh
me:  i just said early childhood education
me:  which would mean….
me:  half day school.
Jerkface:  ohhhh
Jerkface:  so your not a real teacher
me:  um no i am…
Jerkface:  you teach at a kindercare
meirtyybitt:  i have a morning class and afternoon class.
Jerkface:  uh huh
me:  no i teach at a private school in the city.
Jerkface:  so not a real teacher
me:  you are like the rudest man ive met on here. just becuase i dont want to be tickled, you’re giving me the 3rd degree?
Jerkface:  i could care less about tickling
Jerkface:  i just find it funny how you think youre so mature
me:  you can come ot my class.. my students like to be tickled.
met:  i never said anything about being mature
Jerkface:  reread
Jerkface:  everything
Jerkface:  your memory sucks
*** Jerkface IC window is closed

For the record- I am not a teacher, I do not have my degree finished (but in the works), and I am extremely ticklish!  I felt no need to carry on a conversation with a guy who wanted to talk about tickling, however, so I lied just to make it fun and worthy enough to post for all to see!  He obviously takes his tickling serious though.  This is almost borderline fetish talk if you ask me! FAIL.

I don’t hate tickling and I don’t hate him… My friends in the T’s can sum up the rest of this thought.


Seargant Pepper Handlebar Mustaches

Well, this is one of those random posts that can be funny or not.  It’s completely hysterical to me though and I’ll probably laugh while I type out this whole thing.  It’s also one of those posts that I’ll look back on and wonder why I actually went through with posting it.  This really has nothing to do with online dating though I have a good tie in for it.  Are you ready for it?……………. Wait for it……………. The guy whom with I had this conversation with, I met on an online dating site! ZING! So on with the show.

I met a guy online a few weeks ago and he is amazeballs.  He does live 900 miles away but I won’t hold it against him.  Recently my life has been a little hectic and overwhelming and I was in one hell of  PMS mood last night.  I knew if one thing would make me laugh, it would be hearing him say the word “water.”  Let me explain: He is from Jersey and has a handful of words I could selfishly listen to him say  all day just so I can get a good giggle out of it.   As soon as we get on the phone he said water and it was nothing but laughing for the next 2 hours or so.  Near the end of our call (when I had to really go number onesie [this is significant to later in the post] and get to bed) he decided I should blog about this.  So if you read this and don’t laugh once, you can blame him! I’ll post his name, address, and phone number at the bottom of this post- please send any complaints to him and keep them off my pretty blog!
We had a little recap and I actually wrote down what we talked about.  So in no particular order here is the most random phone conversation I’ve ever had.

Let’s start out with the story he tried to tell me, or maybe he was using this as an analogy, I don’t really remember.
So there’s this man, and he has 4 daughters.  1 is a Cherokee Indian, 1 is an African American man, 1 is a cop and the other is the slave from South Park.” I’m pretty sure he was trying to get me to understand what word he was looking to use, but from his first analogy I got “awkward” out of it.  Then he tried this and I don’t think anything came of it.
(I have no way to tie in any of these stories that he requested me to blog about so there will be no smooth reading in this, sorry.)
He also told me about this story how when he was younger, him and his sister had a parade with toys and his Michael Jackson doll (Yes, he had a Michael Jackson doll).  They used shredded coconut for confetti.  I really wish I had something funny to say here but I’m laughing too much so I’m assuming you’re doing the same.  Also there was more to that story I just don’t feel like elaborating, because as I said I’ll leave you his contact info and you can hear the rest from him.
This is when the conversation got serious and we talked about going number onesie, and that you shouldn’t talk about going number twosie.  Especially if you’re in bed naked going number twosie.   I explained girls don’t go number twosie though.  Well I guess some girls do, but ladies don’t.
I think this is where I’m supposed to add in that he does not do crack.
And now we have the part of the conversation that seemed the most odd to me.  I understand most of it was odd but for some reason this did it for me.  I’m not sure how this got started, and I’m also not sure what it was in regards to.   Something about rubbing logs together.  I thought he meant it as wieners but I feel like we were talking about girls before this, and then trees falling.  Either way I took it as he was gay and I think that’s why I sent him the Katy Perry video “Ur so Gay.”  His response was “I love Katy Perry!!!!”  FAIL. Just kidding!

This just goes to show you that I have been and always will be right.  There’s things you say in a first message like “U rule!”  Then there’s things you save until you’re completely sure the other person is just as weird as you are.  If he would have sent me any of this as a first message online, I would have probably figured he was on drugs and ignored the message and posted it here to blast him on the internet.  But now that I know he’s just a drug free weirdo, it’s ok.  And yes, he named this post.  I don’t really get it but why not let him have his fun via my blog?

Oh, he also told me about this TV show from the late 80’s that I have never heard of.  I’ll post the first episode for you, as well as a couple other.  If they don’t work in the blog I truly am sorry that you have to move your hand to your mouse and click on the link to watch it in another tab.  I promise they’re great videos though if that makes you more motivated to click a link.

And this is the best video to sum up either him or me. YES!

Oh and if you’d like to send him hate mail, love mail, or what the hell is wrong with you mail, please do so through the following e-mail address: onlinedatingfail@yahoo.com


Longshot

The title sums up this post.  I’m not completely sure I can make this one work because there’s really only one part that I found incredibly sweet yet pathetic, but I’m still gonna give it a shot.  I guess I really have no great intro for this one other than… just read it!

Hello
I liked your POF [I guess I can leave those letters in seeing as it’s not the actual name of the website] posting.
I am sure your POF profile must have resulted in a number of responses and from a lot of handsome men too! I am not that handsome but I am a very decent, honest and loyal person who will respect you and you will always feel safe with me. I hope you will give me a chance.
I am a college educated and professionally employed gentleman working in the computer software field as a consultant.
I am a brown complected east indian person and been in USA for the past 15 years.
I always RESPECT a lady and love to spoil and pamper a lady and do what ever it takes to make her happy; some of my friends tease me by saying that I am training to become a Sugar Daddy:) Jokes aside, I believe in being kind and generous and that is my nature.
I would be deeply honored and privileged if you were to respond to this email. Please let me know what ever information you feel like sharing and please do not hesitate to ask any and all questions !
I am for REAL and I don’t play games.
Sincerely
[Brown Sugar Daddy]

Dude stop!  You had me at  “not that handsome but very decent.”  Random fact: this guy is older than my father.  Not so random fact:  he is REAL, and RESPECTFUL, and he would be deeply honored and privileged if a girl he has never met or talked to, would respond to his e-mail. Like I said, sweet and pathetic.  FAIL.


I’ll be the judge (on that)

 

I know I mentioned the type of guy on dating sites that refuses to put up a picture.  My theory on this is usually because they’re really not that attractive but having a winning personality, and if they can just talk to you for a little- their hope is that you won’t care about their looks.  Can I point out a mistake this guy made?  He gave me a description of himself.

Hello
How are u ?

Im interested …

Handsome looking (short and bald lol ) studying cardiology

B4 u judge on ( no pic ) spend 2 min reading my profile ..if u r interested …I can email u pictureS

thx

Normally I would have something witty and funny to say here, however I showed this to my friend to see if she thought it was blogworthy and she had some comments of her own which I’ll add in here. 
If it’s going to take me more than 45 seconds to read through your profile, then I’m probably not interested.  And if you really don’t want me to judge, then don’t describe yourself as “short and bald.” FAIL.
Thanks dear! I couldn’t have said it better myself.  Maybe we should give her a shot at writing a post? Seeing as she even picked out the video for this post, I think she’s got what it takes!


Neverending Story II

If you read The Neverending Story, then you have half a clue as to what this message will hold.  The major difference in that post was that I didn’t actually read everything that guy wrote, I did read everything in this one because it was kind of funny.  Funny in a WTF is he talking about type of way.  You’ll understand when you get to the out of the blue “adoption” part.

I don’t like to write about myself too much, so let’s get together and talk about it. Here, since tells us how to break the ice I’ll try to do it myself… I like pussy (cats). My middle name is [sorry I can’t think of anything good]. If i was gay or a chick Eddie Vedder and the rest of pearl jam would need a restraining order.  And i still don’t enjoy typing at all, so gimme a call, or ill play with a ball, i won’t wait till next fall, any who
Hi, my name is [Sir Talks-a-lot]. I live in [a suburb] and I get very shy around beautiful women.  About a week ago my grandmother purchased a computer for me for my birthday (I haven’t had one in many years), and I intend to do much more with it than meet ladies.  I will have worked as a picture framer in [another suburb] for a year in February.  I grew up in [yet another suburb] and have family all over [a city!] land and a little in various states.
Speaking of family, I don’t know about you, but I love the idea of becoming the master of a domain that holds many generations.  I don’t know about this internet stuff, but I do know my brother has found some happiness by use of it.  He is now married in [a different state].  I myself am in no position to get married currently, though i did flirt with the idea a little too much with a girl a while back. I am one of many siblings including halfs and steps, and helped raise a few of them.
I spend too much time playing video games, school, and fixing rc race cars to think about kids.  Though I know only one of the last three matters and nixing the other two would free up a great amount of time.  I choose not to because I myself have not decided on the idea of adoption.
I have moo cow colored cat, his name is Pango.  He is a pain in the butt spoiled brat, but I love him anyway.  Well that is a small portion of me. Hope to hear back soon.

For someone who doesn’t like to talk about themselves, he sure as Hell had a lot to say! Well, Sir Talks-a-lot, I hope you and Pango have a great time figuring out your adoption situation.  FAIL.
What better way to end this post than a great song that rhymes with Pango… It’s Wango Tango time errrrbody!!