Category Archives: From me to you

Let’s have a toast for the douchebags…

If this is your first time coming to this page and this happens to be the first, or one of the first posts you  read, I apologize in advance.  Let me give you the low down.  Most of these posts are outrageously, piss your pants, knee slappin’, hilarious messages that I have received from guys on online dating sites ( There’s actually no statistics on the detailed humor of these posts, I think I just made all of that up).  However there is the occasional time I have to let off a little steam directed towards men. (If you want to see funny messages from creeps or weirdos, please check out the “Messages from Guys” category to the right.)

Up until recently (last night around 8pm) I have thought there were still nice guys out there.  I mean every guy has the ability to be nice and not douchey, they just seem to choose the douchey route.  I know this can go the same for girls being crazy or bitches, I’m not denying that at all.  But seeing as I’m a woman and date men, I can only complain about men right now.

I recently dated a guy who wanted to move super quickly, and told me he loved me after about two weeks.  He opened doors for me, showed up with flowers,  my family liked him.. the whole kit n caboodle.  Is that the right saying? Anyways.  I have taken on so much in my life right now that I can just not be in a relationship.  Especially with him.  Well, maybe it was just him and not my crazy life that he just made crazier.   He may have been nice, but creepily obsessive and lovestruck crossed all that out.  I’m still overly irritated just thinking about shit I had to go through with him.  It took a couple times to get it across to him we were broken up and finally I was out of what seemed to be shaping up to be a Fatal Attraction sequel.   He wanted to get back together about a month ago, and has still texted me and what-not.  I finally deleted him from Facebook© and of course I got bitched at about that.  Now come to find out that he has been dating someone!  Can someone explain to me why he would feel the need to want to get back together, be pissed off about being deleted from my social online life, and still text me?  There is really only one answer to this: DOUCHEBAG!

Am I broken up over his new relationship?  NOT.  AT.  ALL.  I am actually quite confused that there are girls out there who like the obsessive clingy types.  And I totally feel for her.  No seriously though, I wish him all the best.  Wait, no.  I would have wished him all the luck if he wasn’t a dbag.

He’s what I like to call a fake douchebag (this is a term i grabbed from my friend, so you won’t find it on urbandictionary.com, yet).  He changes for every girl he dates, loves everyone, and does everything he can to convince girls that he is the complete opposite of a douchebag.

It just goes to show that every guy is a douchebag, or has douchebag tendancies that they cannot resist to act on.

End rant.

Now I’ll go check and see what kind of wonderfully interesting or funny messages I can post.


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Seargant Pepper Handlebar Mustaches

Well, this is one of those random posts that can be funny or not.  It’s completely hysterical to me though and I’ll probably laugh while I type out this whole thing.  It’s also one of those posts that I’ll look back on and wonder why I actually went through with posting it.  This really has nothing to do with online dating though I have a good tie in for it.  Are you ready for it?……………. Wait for it……………. The guy whom with I had this conversation with, I met on an online dating site! ZING! So on with the show.

I met a guy online a few weeks ago and he is amazeballs.  He does live 900 miles away but I won’t hold it against him.  Recently my life has been a little hectic and overwhelming and I was in one hell of  PMS mood last night.  I knew if one thing would make me laugh, it would be hearing him say the word “water.”  Let me explain: He is from Jersey and has a handful of words I could selfishly listen to him say  all day just so I can get a good giggle out of it.   As soon as we get on the phone he said water and it was nothing but laughing for the next 2 hours or so.  Near the end of our call (when I had to really go number onesie [this is significant to later in the post] and get to bed) he decided I should blog about this.  So if you read this and don’t laugh once, you can blame him! I’ll post his name, address, and phone number at the bottom of this post- please send any complaints to him and keep them off my pretty blog!
We had a little recap and I actually wrote down what we talked about.  So in no particular order here is the most random phone conversation I’ve ever had.

Let’s start out with the story he tried to tell me, or maybe he was using this as an analogy, I don’t really remember.
So there’s this man, and he has 4 daughters.  1 is a Cherokee Indian, 1 is an African American man, 1 is a cop and the other is the slave from South Park.” I’m pretty sure he was trying to get me to understand what word he was looking to use, but from his first analogy I got “awkward” out of it.  Then he tried this and I don’t think anything came of it.
(I have no way to tie in any of these stories that he requested me to blog about so there will be no smooth reading in this, sorry.)
He also told me about this story how when he was younger, him and his sister had a parade with toys and his Michael Jackson doll (Yes, he had a Michael Jackson doll).  They used shredded coconut for confetti.  I really wish I had something funny to say here but I’m laughing too much so I’m assuming you’re doing the same.  Also there was more to that story I just don’t feel like elaborating, because as I said I’ll leave you his contact info and you can hear the rest from him.
This is when the conversation got serious and we talked about going number onesie, and that you shouldn’t talk about going number twosie.  Especially if you’re in bed naked going number twosie.   I explained girls don’t go number twosie though.  Well I guess some girls do, but ladies don’t.
I think this is where I’m supposed to add in that he does not do crack.
And now we have the part of the conversation that seemed the most odd to me.  I understand most of it was odd but for some reason this did it for me.  I’m not sure how this got started, and I’m also not sure what it was in regards to.   Something about rubbing logs together.  I thought he meant it as wieners but I feel like we were talking about girls before this, and then trees falling.  Either way I took it as he was gay and I think that’s why I sent him the Katy Perry video “Ur so Gay.”  His response was “I love Katy Perry!!!!”  FAIL. Just kidding!

This just goes to show you that I have been and always will be right.  There’s things you say in a first message like “U rule!”  Then there’s things you save until you’re completely sure the other person is just as weird as you are.  If he would have sent me any of this as a first message online, I would have probably figured he was on drugs and ignored the message and posted it here to blast him on the internet.  But now that I know he’s just a drug free weirdo, it’s ok.  And yes, he named this post.  I don’t really get it but why not let him have his fun via my blog?

Oh, he also told me about this TV show from the late 80’s that I have never heard of.  I’ll post the first episode for you, as well as a couple other.  If they don’t work in the blog I truly am sorry that you have to move your hand to your mouse and click on the link to watch it in another tab.  I promise they’re great videos though if that makes you more motivated to click a link.

And this is the best video to sum up either him or me. YES!

Oh and if you’d like to send him hate mail, love mail, or what the hell is wrong with you mail, please do so through the following e-mail address: onlinedatingfail@yahoo.com


Top 10 Online Dating Photos

We all went through the MySpace phase, the Facebook obsession, and now a lot of people seem to be into dating sites (obviously why I’m writing this).  I’ve even seen people updating their “About Me” section as if it were a status update.  Most of your friends probably have your pointless status updates hidden anyways, what makes you think people who don’t know you care about what you had for lunch, how much you hate the snow, or what you’re doing every hour from now until tomorrow?  Anyways…

What do all of these online social networking sites have in common? Pictures.  There’s some people (like me) who have well over 1,000 pics on Facebook, and then there are people who have just a handful.  There are also those rare birds who have pictures of cartoons or funny logos or FAIL pictures up.   Today, we’re going to talk all about them when I give you the Top 10 social networking/online dating pictures. (Any image used on this post is not mine, nor do I know who they are.)

 

 

1. The first picture that comes to mind would be the “MySpace Angle.”

We all know this picture very well.   Sometimes it’s used to show off how artistically creative you can hold your phone while taking a picture of yourself, but most of the time it’s taken above head looking down at just your face so people can’t really tell how fat you are.  I had a friend who went on a date with a girl and his response to me on how it went was: “She totally MySpace Angled me.”

 

2. This picture is one of my favorites. I’d like to label it the “Bro-Out Pic.”

I’m not really sure when the fashion fairy dropped down and told guys to always wear striped, button down shirts, but I think the fashion bitch needs to come back and rip up these shirts.   Sure, there’s nothing wrong with wearing these types of shirts, but don’t guys have anything else in their wardrobe??  And if you do happen to wear this type of shirt out, do you really want to take a group picture with your other jersey shore wanna-be friends all wearing the same type of shirt?  Apparently the general consensus would be “yes.”  I decided I’m also roping popped collars into this one. I shouldn’t even have to explain this one, so I’m not.

 

3. Aw, isn’t he sweet?

For those of us see a baby and think “OMG my uterus just skipped a beat,” it is a-frickin-dorable to see a picture of a guy with kids.  Some girls aren’t into the DILFs (like me), and that’s just fine.  The pictures I’m talking about are guys with their niece/nephews, or kids they know from volunteering at a childrens hospital while dressed as a clown and saving puppies.  OK, OK, that probably will never happen but every time I see the new State Farm commercials when you can get them to give you a new boyfriend or whatever you want, I always picture crashing my car and getting the man of my dreams.  ANYWAYS… I’m almost 100% positive that guys put these pictures up because they know it tugs at our maternal side.  In one of Cosmos UK edition magazines, I just read what type of pictures to put up to make a guy fall in love.   Or something uber cheesy and ridiculous like that.   After reading that, I was sure that somewhere, someone is giving guys info as to what we like- so they appear to be that way.  Right?  Right.

 

4. Future Warhol numero deuce.

In this day in age, who doesn’t have Photoshop?  Well actually, I’m using a free trial right now so please feel free to send it on my way!  Photoshop obviously is a miracle worker for when you took a great picture but there’s just that one little blemish, your eyeballs look like you just came from Satan’s lair, or the lighting just doesn’t do you justice.  Photoshop can also be fun though!  You can make pop art with it, put yourself in a wintry arctic background, or even laying on the beautiful sands of Fiji. (I’ve also never been to Fiji, so feel free to send Photoshop AND plane tickets.) That’s what brings us to picture #4.  Photoshop your way into my heart.  Like I said already, Photoshop is a miracle worker.   But when you’re done with your picture and your boobs go up 2 sizes, your sagging neck line disappears, or your chest hair significantly decreases- you’ve overdone it.   This goes back to the MySpace angle- why make a picture completely different then what you look like if you’re going to meet people in person?

 

5. Self-esteem boost.

TRUE STORY: The other day I was going through my mom’s friends Facebook pics and came across one of him with 8 girls who worked at Tilted Kilt.   Now if you’re not familiar with this place, it’s a restaurant/bar and the girls wear mini-“kilts” and white button down shirts, only they tie them under their boobs and usually have their bra’s hanging out.   Now I’m not saying shit about these girls because Hell- shake what your momma gave ya! I’m talking about the guys who take pictures with these girls and them post them online.  Do they realize that these girls get paid for this? They are not posing with you because you’re hot, have a nice car, or want anything to do with you.  No.  They’re making money!  Yea, it’s a great self-esteem booster for you to have those hot girls surrounding you, but putting it online, girls see right through that.  We’ve all done it for our friends too.  He doesn’t get many dates so let’s pull out the cleavage, show off the leg and all take a picture with him in hopes other girls will see it and think he’s well-endowed or knows how to work it.  Only most girls are onto this sly little game so there’s no point in this picture.

 

6. Check out these narcissistic guns!

Did I look up pics of Mark Salling (Puck from Glee) with his shirt off the other day?  You betcha!   Does he have an amazing body?  You betta believe it!  Girls love a guy with a great body, no denying that.  We love it when the guy we date sends us pictures of him just as much as guys love the pictures we send them of our cute lil booty’s!  This doesn’t mean, however, that girls want to date you because you took a picture in the mirror of you with your shirt off while flexing.   To me that just screams: “I have nothing to offer you, but look at my guns, yo!”  Like I’ve said before in this blog, some stuff should be left to when you actually hook that lil hottie, and have some kind of relationship going.  I also think it’s funny that a lot of guys who use this type of pic, cut off their head in the picture.  Can we say Butter Face? I’m not really sure of the male version of this- so we’ll just stick with the female version.

 

7. Blast from the Past.

I really should have thought this through more, because I think I could have put a few of these together.  Oh well, at least I’ll reach my goal of 10!  I already look young as it is, so if I were to do this- it’d be pointless unless I was trying to get a pedophile.  Why, oh why, do people post pictures from years and years ago?  Sound like I’m repeating myself? Maybe.  Why would you want people to think you look different than you actually do.  I get the whole idea of online dating is to get to know someone without just finding some uber hottie at a bar, but it’s a waste of time to make someone think you’re something you’re not.   It’s like opening up the DVD case to Superbad and finding your niece’s video of Everyone Poops.  Such a let down.

 

8. Just one….for now

You can’t always tell what a person looks like from one picture- TRUE.   If you message a guy for more pictures because he has one up and says “message me for more”, you’ll get G rated ones- FALSE.  It’s been my experience that when a hottie has a picture up and says “message me for more,” the pictures you get will be XXX.  A closet porn star is what you’ll be getting yourself involved with.  And they always send back a message with the picture of their wiener that says something like, “you like baby? =)~” or some other porn related weird sex talk quote.   I still don’t know what you actually look like, but thanks for giving me the complete view of your mini-me! FAIL.

 

 

9. Don’t judge a book by it’s cover.

It drives me nuts when a guy messages me and tells me he likes all of my pics but then he has the default “no image here” pic, or some kind of ironic icon that says looks don’t matter.  RED FLAG.  It means this person is worse than a Butter Face.  I was worried about coming off as shallow here, but can we be realistic- if you’re not attracted to a person, how is it going to work?  It’s just like saying size doesn’t matter.  Sorry guys- I’m just being honest.  What’s the point of being on a dating site if you can’t even put up a picture of yourself?   I’m sorry but I don’t want to fall in love with Bob Saget just because he makes me laugh.  I’ve also had the experience of messaging a guy without pics only to find out he didn’t have anything up because he was married and was worried someone he knew would see him.   I don’t really need to elaborate on this one.

 

10. LOL Smiley Face.

This is one of the only pictures I condone.  So you have a great picture of you and your ex, same sex friends, or opposite sex friends.  Dilemma- do you really want to post their picture on a random website?  I mean sure if you hate them- go right ahead.   I’ll just tell you this- if a girl sees a picture of you with your super hot, Kate Moss thin, Heidi Montag post-boob job, Angelina Jolie lipped ex-girlfriend… There’s a good chance that if we’re not completely secure with ourselves (what girl is) we will not be messaging you.  Also if you put up a picture of you and your equally good looking friends, we’re going to want one of them instead.  Remember- this is all about you.  Not how hot your friends are, or how good looking your ex is.  We want to get to know you.   So keep everyone else out of it.

 


Thanks be to Gawd

Alright, so I’ve been slackin’ on this blog.  Part of it has to do with the lack of creativity I’ve been receiving lately, and part of it has to do with homework and laziness.

My friend showed me this lil do-dad, and I was trying to figure out what kind of post I could rope this into.  It’s completely obvious though;  We should all be thankful to the Lord up above, Buddha, the little green aliens we idol, or whoever it is that helps you get through life, that we have not been approached by this guy.  I highly suggest watching the whole thing, but if you get scared easily or just have ADD, zip it on up to 2:14 when it gets real creepy.  So just remember, there are tons of creeps out there, but at least they’re not in the underwear in their basement.  Well, hopefully.

Oh and total street cred to Wayno Draino for making this lil masterpiece.   And don’t worry ladies, I’ll be back on Monday with some new posts and ridiculous messages.  Tomorrow the Bears play, so there is no way I’ll be posting.

Happy Dating!


If all else fails

(Mainly I’m making up a post so that I can include this amazeballs© video my friend just showed me.)

Most of the messages I receive are light-hearted and just an eager guy trying to talk to a girl.  I’m usually not rude to guys, and sometimes I even write them letting them know they sound great I’m just not interested.  When you get the occasional creep though, there is certainly nothing wrong with telling them off.  There is also nothing wrong with telling your ex off, or your ex’s new beau. So to all of my asshole ex’s, and all of their stupid new SO’s, this is for you.  (I’ve never actually dated anyone deaf, but I just wanted to be clear on this one…)


Oh, hello!

So apparently people are actually reading this, which is great because the hopes were for me to become rich and famous off of this blog and never have to work again.  So keep on keepin’ on!
At first I wanted to spam my own blog with tons of posts, but I’ve now decided that unless I get a plethora of amusing messages, I will most likely be posting one message a day.  Don’t worry I’ll still add in some online dating tips and wonderful equally amusing stories, but how would I keep you coming back everyday if I just gave you the goods for free?

I’ve been chatting up this one homie, who’s agreed to do all of my math homework(I don’t think he actually agreed to that but I’m hoping he’ll read this and then agree), but he hasn’t said anything creepy or weird………..yet.  Don’t worry- I have high hopes of him one day being worthy enough to be made fun of in this blog.  (There, happy you got your shout out?  And no, that doesn’t mean you can stop checking this daily.)

I’d also like to say thanks to my sista from anotha mista, who has not only her friends reading this, but also managed to get her hubby to laugh at a few of these as well.  It was all her idea anyways, so I’ll probably have to give her a cut of this eventually.

That’s all for tonight unless I get something so funny I pee my pants.

Love & Muffins,
Bella ❤