We all went through the MySpace phase, the Facebook obsession, and now a lot of people seem to be into dating sites (obviously why I’m writing this). I’ve even seen people updating their “About Me” section as if it were a status update. Most of your friends probably have your pointless status updates hidden anyways, what makes you think people who don’t know you care about what you had for lunch, how much you hate the snow, or what you’re doing every hour from now until tomorrow? Anyways…
What do all of these online social networking sites have in common? Pictures. There’s some people (like me) who have well over 1,000 pics on Facebook, and then there are people who have just a handful. There are also those rare birds who have pictures of cartoons or funny logos or FAIL pictures up. Today, we’re going to talk all about them when I give you the Top 10 social networking/online dating pictures. (Any image used on this post is not mine, nor do I know who they are.)
1. The first picture that comes to mind would be the “MySpace Angle.”
We all know this picture very well. Sometimes it’s used to show off how artistically creative you can hold your phone while taking a picture of yourself, but most of the time it’s taken above head looking down at just your face so people can’t really tell how fat you are. I had a friend who went on a date with a girl and his response to me on how it went was: “She totally MySpace Angled me.”
2. This picture is one of my favorites. I’d like to label it the “Bro-Out Pic.”
I’m not really sure when the fashion fairy dropped down and told guys to always wear striped, button down shirts, but I think the fashion bitch needs to come back and rip up these shirts. Sure, there’s nothing wrong with wearing these types of shirts, but don’t guys have anything else in their wardrobe?? And if you do happen to wear this type of shirt out, do you really want to take a group picture with your other jersey shore wanna-be friends all wearing the same type of shirt? Apparently the general consensus would be “yes.” I decided I’m also roping popped collars into this one. I shouldn’t even have to explain this one, so I’m not.
3. Aw, isn’t he sweet?
For those of us see a baby and think “OMG my uterus just skipped a beat,” it is a-frickin-dorable to see a picture of a guy with kids. Some girls aren’t into the DILFs (like me), and that’s just fine. The pictures I’m talking about are guys with their niece/nephews, or kids they know from volunteering at a childrens hospital while dressed as a clown and saving puppies. OK, OK, that probably will never happen but every time I see the new State Farm commercials when you can get them to give you a new boyfriend or whatever you want, I always picture crashing my car and getting the man of my dreams. ANYWAYS… I’m almost 100% positive that guys put these pictures up because they know it tugs at our maternal side. In one of Cosmos UK edition magazines, I just read what type of pictures to put up to make a guy fall in love. Or something uber cheesy and ridiculous like that. After reading that, I was sure that somewhere, someone is giving guys info as to what we like- so they appear to be that way. Right? Right.
4. Future Warhol numero deuce.
In this day in age, who doesn’t have Photoshop? Well actually, I’m using a free trial right now so please feel free to send it on my way! Photoshop obviously is a miracle worker for when you took a great picture but there’s just that one little blemish, your eyeballs look like you just came from Satan’s lair, or the lighting just doesn’t do you justice. Photoshop can also be fun though! You can make pop art with it, put yourself in a wintry arctic background, or even laying on the beautiful sands of Fiji. (I’ve also never been to Fiji, so feel free to send Photoshop AND plane tickets.) That’s what brings us to picture #4. Photoshop your way into my heart. Like I said already, Photoshop is a miracle worker. But when you’re done with your picture and your boobs go up 2 sizes, your sagging neck line disappears, or your chest hair significantly decreases- you’ve overdone it. This goes back to the MySpace angle- why make a picture completely different then what you look like if you’re going to meet people in person?
5. Self-esteem boost.
TRUE STORY: The other day I was going through my mom’s friends Facebook pics and came across one of him with 8 girls who worked at Tilted Kilt. Now if you’re not familiar with this place, it’s a restaurant/bar and the girls wear mini-“kilts” and white button down shirts, only they tie them under their boobs and usually have their bra’s hanging out. Now I’m not saying shit about these girls because Hell- shake what your momma gave ya! I’m talking about the guys who take pictures with these girls and them post them online. Do they realize that these girls get paid for this? They are not posing with you because you’re hot, have a nice car, or want anything to do with you. No. They’re making money! Yea, it’s a great self-esteem booster for you to have those hot girls surrounding you, but putting it online, girls see right through that. We’ve all done it for our friends too. He doesn’t get many dates so let’s pull out the cleavage, show off the leg and all take a picture with him in hopes other girls will see it and think he’s well-endowed or knows how to work it. Only most girls are onto this sly little game so there’s no point in this picture.
6. Check out these narcissistic guns!
Did I look up pics of Mark Salling (Puck from Glee) with his shirt off the other day? You betcha! Does he have an amazing body? You betta believe it! Girls love a guy with a great body, no denying that. We love it when the guy we date sends us pictures of him just as much as guys love the pictures we send them of our cute lil booty’s! This doesn’t mean, however, that girls want to date you because you took a picture in the mirror of you with your shirt off while flexing. To me that just screams: “I have nothing to offer you, but look at my guns, yo!” Like I’ve said before in this blog, some stuff should be left to when you actually hook that lil hottie, and have some kind of relationship going. I also think it’s funny that a lot of guys who use this type of pic, cut off their head in the picture. Can we say Butter Face? I’m not really sure of the male version of this- so we’ll just stick with the female version.
7. Blast from the Past.
I really should have thought this through more, because I think I could have put a few of these together. Oh well, at least I’ll reach my goal of 10! I already look young as it is, so if I were to do this- it’d be pointless unless I was trying to get a pedophile. Why, oh why, do people post pictures from years and years ago? Sound like I’m repeating myself? Maybe. Why would you want people to think you look different than you actually do. I get the whole idea of online dating is to get to know someone without just finding some uber hottie at a bar, but it’s a waste of time to make someone think you’re something you’re not. It’s like opening up the DVD case to Superbad and finding your niece’s video of Everyone Poops. Such a let down.
8. Just one….for now
You can’t always tell what a person looks like from one picture- TRUE. If you message a guy for more pictures because he has one up and says “message me for more”, you’ll get G rated ones- FALSE. It’s been my experience that when a hottie has a picture up and says “message me for more,” the pictures you get will be XXX. A closet porn star is what you’ll be getting yourself involved with. And they always send back a message with the picture of their wiener that says something like, “you like baby? =)~” or some other porn related weird sex talk quote. I still don’t know what you actually look like, but thanks for giving me the complete view of your mini-me! FAIL.
9. Don’t judge a book by it’s cover.
It drives me nuts when a guy messages me and tells me he likes all of my pics but then he has the default “no image here” pic, or some kind of ironic icon that says looks don’t matter. RED FLAG. It means this person is worse than a Butter Face. I was worried about coming off as shallow here, but can we be realistic- if you’re not attracted to a person, how is it going to work? It’s just like saying size doesn’t matter. Sorry guys- I’m just being honest. What’s the point of being on a dating site if you can’t even put up a picture of yourself? I’m sorry but I don’t want to fall in love with Bob Saget just because he makes me laugh. I’ve also had the experience of messaging a guy without pics only to find out he didn’t have anything up because he was married and was worried someone he knew would see him. I don’t really need to elaborate on this one.
10. LOL Smiley Face.
This is one of the only pictures I condone. So you have a great picture of you and your ex, same sex friends, or opposite sex friends. Dilemma- do you really want to post their picture on a random website? I mean sure if you hate them- go right ahead. I’ll just tell you this- if a girl sees a picture of you with your super hot, Kate Moss thin, Heidi Montag post-boob job, Angelina Jolie lipped ex-girlfriend… There’s a good chance that if we’re not completely secure with ourselves (what girl is) we will not be messaging you. Also if you put up a picture of you and your equally good looking friends, we’re going to want one of them instead. Remember- this is all about you. Not how hot your friends are, or how good looking your ex is. We want to get to know you. So keep everyone else out of it.